This article first appeared in the St. Louis Beacon, Dec. 4, 2009 - Old friends, tinkling glasses, laughter. These are marks of a nice party. But what happens when in the midst of the revelry someone decides that he or she has been offended by some comment and goes off to sulk? Let me of course acknowledge that sometimes this is justified. In an earlier age someone might have been hurt by the classic maternal blast: "Your mother wears army boots." A horrific modern parallel would be, of course, calling an African American the "n-word."
But this article is about less serious situations. Maybe someone tells a story about a good-looking blonde acting like a ditz. Suddenly the blonde lets everyone know that the story has made her "uncomfortable." Or perhaps the joke starts: "Two gay guys walk into a bar..." At the end of the joke some over-sensitive parent of a gay son, who himself probably would have found the joke hysterical, announces in a very public fashion that he or she has been offended.
These guests have now put the kibosh on the proceedings. The party fizzles out. (We can leave for another day the pillow talk of the host and hostess. The host feels that the guest ought to have had thicker skin. The hostess thinks the host is an insensitive and arrogant boor.)
And what of the psychological perspective? Why does the sulker get away with this sort of behavior? I suggest that the sulker often is merely acting out his or her inner psychological issues. These issues would be better off kept inside altogether or perhaps played out only in the therapist's office. It is a bad hallmark of our age that people get stirred up over minor issues. Phil Donahue and Oprah Winfrey have been out there for years merely making a buck, but suddenly everyone takes them seriously.
We need to toughen up.
The narcissism angle is also intriguing. The insulted person, as soon as his or her act starts, gets to bask in the spotlight. Everyone must apologize and talk about how sad we all are about what happened. We must all focus about the wonderful sensitivity of the insulted person. Meanwhile, the allegedly insulted person is delighted to be the center of attention. The worst view of such a scenario is that the insulted person was planning the event from the beginning. If you don't think that sort of thing goes on let me sell you a bridge in Brooklyn.
Now let's examine the workplace. Again, we all surely agree that no black American should have to put up with being called the "n-word" at work. But what of management's perspective? If a manager's company is sued for harassment that occurred on his or her watch, it is a sure bet that his or her career will take a dive. Top management will be more worried about the existence of the suit than its merits. Thus any manager smelling a whiff of trouble knows he or she must assemble an investigation team, act as though a minor situation was major, hire a sensitivity training firm, and above all, listen to a lot of baloney with faux compassion.
And what of the scenario in which a worker in a tight spot gets out of it by asserting harassment when no harassment has occurred? For example, what if a worker tells a little lie and gets caught. Maybe the worker has faked a time record to cover minor tardiness. His best next move will be to assert that someone has harassed him. The issue of the late arrival will quickly disappear in favor of sensitivity analysis for everybody. What a silly charade.
I recently asked a middle-age orthopedic surgeon about the atmosphere in the modern operating room. The answer was chilling. He said that years ago it really was wide open. Everyone in the room enjoyed telling jokes right over the chopped open anesthetized patient. It was a combat environment in which people were under pressure and told jokes to relieve tension. The people who could not take it got out, and the atmosphere was honest for its own circumstances. (I do not assert that it is appropriate to tell sexual jokes in a children's library. Context matters).
The Doc told me the joking still goes on, but only when everyone knows everyone else in the room and things are "safe." Thus everyone lives by a double standard, and everyone is always at risk that someone will turn and make a big deal over nothing. Thus do careers get ruined.
I believe the best way to stop this hooey is for those who are accused to fight back instead of acceding to the bullying. If someone at a party insists that he or she has been offended by a relatively benign remark, the host should laugh and tell the person to cut it out. At work the accused should confront the accuser and assert that the situation is minor and both people know it.
Changing human behavior has low prospects for success. People have been making sexual jokes since the beginning of time. We should quit making a big deal out of the ordinary banter of life.
We should reserve formal responses to situations that are truly serious, and we should, as always, push back against bullies.
Bevis Schock is an attorney in private practice in Clayton.