This article first appeared in the St. Louis Beacon, Jan. 28, 2011 - Letting go is not always an easy thing to do. Embracing something new can be even more challenging.
At this time of year, people are making all sorts of resolutions that require changes in behavior, choices, lifestyle and more. I'm no expert on this subject, but as a perfectionist I have spent a lot of time and effort trying to get things right. So I have a few thoughts on the subject that I hope might help someone make a change.
I should also say that nothing I am about to tell you is really new. I don't recall all the books and spiritual advice from which I have divined my life philosophy.
The problem I think most of us face when it comes to doing something new is that we waste too much time focusing on the old. Old patterns of behavior are deep, and at some point you need to stop plowing that field and move along.
The best way I have heard this point made is this phrase: "What you resist, persists." The more you resist the old thing, the more mental and emotional energy you are expending on the very thing you want to stop doing.
Smokers resist their cigarettes, dieters resist their old foods.
You can easily spend so much thought and emotion on the thing you are trying not to do that you lose sight of the new thing. The key, I have found is to embrace the new thing with such enthusiasm that you stop thinking about the old thing.
I quit smoking as a millennium resolution in 2000. By focusing on the new ideas -- me as a jogger, me as a fitter, healthier person, and me as someone who loves health and wellness -- the less I dwelt on my urge to smoke.
Although being overweight has never been an issue for me, like many other people I want to eat healthy food that supports my lifestyle. I have stopped even thinking about junk food at this point, but there was a time when I made food choices based solely on what I felt like eating -- without consideration for what I was putting in my body. By embracing healthy food choices, I also opened a new door and those old choices just didn't have the same appeal.
Other behaviors can be even more difficult to shed. Overcoming an addiction is one thing, changing other behaviors is something less rewarded by society and takes much more internal desire to be different.
What if you always know everything? What if you are a "know-it-all"?
If you are a know-it-all, you can skip the rest of this blog because you already know what I am going to say. However, if you have even the least desire to be your best self, you probably understand that you don't know it all and you never will. But how do you make that change?
The first step is to let go of your self-image as someone with all the answers. That image is rooted somewhere in your past. Somewhere along the way you picked up the idea that knowing everything served you somehow. The question you have to ask is: Is this idea of myself serving me well? You may be contorting your reality to fit your self-image.
As with the other behavior changes, you have to find a self-image you can embrace more than the old one. This can be trickier than you might imagine. Know-it-alls talk a lot, for example, so the new behavior might be being a good listener. Picture yourself as a good listener. The next time the opportunity for you to flex your falsely inflated brain comes along, take a minute to think about the new behavior and try it on for size.
Thankfully the world is not full of know-it-alls, even if it does seem that way sometimes.
Here's a final example.
Let's say your perceived problem is that you let people "walk all over you." Your resolution is to assert yourself more often. Before the time comes that someone is about to run roughshod all over you, you must spend some time imaging what it would be like if you asserted yourself. Visualize how a past confrontation could have turned out differently if you hadn't simply backed away. Try to imagine a constructive scenario where you say what you really think -- without sounding a like a know-it-all, please. Embrace the new behavior, the new you, someone who can make him/herself be heard without inflicting damage on others.
Becoming the person you want to be isn't always easy, but it also is not impossible. Don't let the naysayers get you down. If you have already stumbled on your New Year's resolution, just pick yourself up and start again.
Peter Franzen is the Beacon's Development Director.