A pregnant Niadu Allen trembled in fear as the barrel of the handgun pressed against her temple.
Her boyfriend at the time, Sylvester Murray, was convinced she was cheating on him with another teenager at Normandy High School in north St. Louis County, where they both attended.
“Let’s play a game of Russian Roulette,” Murray said as he pointed the gun at Allen. “I got seven bullets in the chamber. If you ain’t cheated on me, you're gonna live.”
Click.
“I literally lost all bodily function,” said Allen, 50, as she recalled what happened when she was 17 years old. “I thought I was dead. And he laughed. He put down the gun. He said, ‘So I guess this is my baby.’ After that I was just terrified. I didn't talk to another boy at school. No, I didn't even turn my head. I know why people don't immediately get out of those situations. It’s because you’re scared, and you’re like, nobody is going to save me.”
Allen called a hotline for help. The women on the other end gave her shelter options, encouraged her to leave and always listened to her. And Allen isn’t alone in her experience.
In fact, the number of people seeking and receiving emergency shelter due to domestic violence across the state of Missouri appears to be increasing, according to the Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence.
Over the last three years in Illinois, a steady increase of adults and children have been requesting and receiving shelter due to domestic violence, according to the state’s Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
One week ago in St. Charles, a man was charged with one felony count of unlawful use of a weapon after holding a woman captive inside a car garage. And on April 16, a man died in Tower Grove after engaging in an hours-long standoff with police. A woman was found dead outside the man’s home before the standoff, police said.
Various agencies track the rate of domestic violence across the country, including police, but those numbers vary by state and location due to the different methods of collecting data.
That makes it hard to nail down concrete numbers on how many people experience the violence and how many use the resources. On top of this, many victims are too afraid to seek help, said Matthew Huffman, of the Missouri Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence.
When agencies notice a change in services rendered, that doesn’t necessarily mean domestic violence is happening more or less often. It might mean that people are just more aware of the assistance available and using it. The Missouri Coalition last year started keeping better track of the service calls.
“We were seeing an increase in safety planning on hotline calls during the pandemic because survivors had to shelter in place,” Huffman said. “Now, I think what we're seeing is survivors knowing what resources are available to them, and then seeking out those services.”
Changing the story
Allen, of north St. Louis County, said she was 6 years old when an older cousin first sexually abused her.
It was the start of a pattern of men being handsy with her — people like trusted church deacons, high school sweethearts and relatives. Between the ages of 6 and 21, Allen said she was abused dozens of times. Speaking seemed useless as the adults around her either didn’t believe her or didn’t care enough, she said.
The women who were on the hotline she called when she was 17 became like her family, she said.
“They kept telling me to get out, to live for my kids,” Allen said. “They told me if I didn't get out, I wouldn't live to see my kids.” For four years the women on the hotline were there to talk Allen through her fear every time her ex-boyfriend would jump on her or hit her, she said. “I would call them and just cry. They kept encouraging me to leave.”
Her breaking point was the night he tried to throw her from a 9th-floor window — four years after he first pointed the gun at her head.
“I didn’t have a plan, I just knew once I dropped him off at the gym, I wasn’t coming back,” Allen said.
About 65% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner and 96% of those victims are female, the national coalition reports.
Allen’s sister Anonda Allen lost her life to gun violence when she was 29 years old in 2002.
Then in June 2021, Allen’s 29-year-old daughter Johnesia Murray was shot and killed by her boyfriend, who then turned around and shot and killed himself.
“I have a giant to fight that will not continue into this next generation,” Allen said as she spoke of being vigilant to protect her four grandchildren, whom she is now raising. She is also the Survivor Connect Lead for the Missouri chapter of Moms Demand Action, a grassroots movement that pushes for public safety measures against gun violence.
“I chose to change my identity and stop caring what people think of me,” Allen said. “My identity is now separate from my family, who didn’t believe me. I'm fine with being ostracized. I'm fine with being that missing piece of the puzzle because I never fit in the puzzle. God was taking me somewhere totally different that I didn't even see.”
After her daughter died, Allen said she fought hard to keep her grandchildren together so they wouldn’t be split up in the foster system. And she’s working to make sure they heal from the abuse they experienced by their father, she said.
More patterns
According to the Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence, various calls for service stemming from domestic violence incidents increased in 2023 from the prior year across the state of Missouri and in St. Louis.
“The other thing that we found is a pretty drastic increase both statewide and in St. Louis for the number of individuals who need transportation assistance,” Huffman said. “And we pay really close attention to that, because a lack of reliable transportation is something that we hear every year from advocates around the state. A lack of transportation severely impacts a survivor's ability to become self-sufficient again.”
Domestic violence incidents reported to police in Missouri saw a 10.3% increase between 2014 and 2018, although many incidents went unreported. In 2018, 11% of all homicides in Missouri were domestic violence-related.
The Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence reported that 18% of adult survivors served by domestic violence agencies in Illinois last year received emergency shelter or transitional housing.
Allen encouraged both men and women who might be going through domestic violence to find a trusted source.
“They were the one that talked me out of [that situation],” Allen said. “You need somebody that you can trust, somebody that’s going to help you with an escape plan. Don’t give up. You’ve got to live your life and rebuild your identity. You cannot be an island when you’re in a situation like that.”
If you need help
If you or someone you know needs assistance, the following options are available:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline — 1-800-799-7233.
- The National Sexual Assault Hotline — 1-800-656-4673.
- Missouri Deaf Crisis Videophone — 321-800-3323 (Also has a live interpreter).
- Missouri doesn't have one central hotline, so by visiting the Missouri Coalition Against Domestic And Sexual Violence website you can click on any part of the state map to find a list of different assistance options near you.
- Check out the Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence or the Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault
