In the year since the shooting on the Central Visual Performing Arts High School and Collegiate School of Medicine and Bioscience campus, students are finding ways to process their grief, anger and guilt.
Beyond the professional care from counselors and school administration, students and alumni have leaned on each other to talk about their traumas. They’ve learned that there are many ways to process and heal.
On St. Louis on the Air, CVPA class of 2023 alumna Raniyah Taylor and Collegiate alumni Axel Cortes and Mikayla Sanders shared their experiences of Oct. 24, 2022. They also reflected on the resulting media coverage, conversations among their peers and what they wish people would better understand about how students have felt in the year since.
This transcript was edited and condensed for clarity. Listen to the full interview.
Elaine Cha: How was it that you realized that there was something really serious happening [that day]?
Raniyah Taylor: My class is on the floor where the first shot took place. It was kind of down the hallway from us. So, we heard it, but we didn’t really pay any mind until the announcements went off. I still didn’t want to believe it was true after hearing all those shots. But then after hearing all that, I heard kids screaming because my class was right under Mrs. Kuczka’s classroom. That’s when it became 100% real to me.
Mikayla Sanders: I was a [teaching assistant] for a gym class, so there was a lot going on in the moment. Then the security guard came in the room and started yelling and told us we were going into lockdown. That’s what kind of threw everybody off. For me, I was about making sure that everybody made it into where we were hiding safely and everyone was accounted for.
Cha: Was it scarier to be unsure about what was happening or to know for certain what was going on?
Axel Cortes: For me, it was scarier to know for certain what was going on because when I was unsure I was hoping that everything was going to be taken care of. Once I realized what was happening I panicked, and I didn’t know whether to stay calm or just contact my loved ones from my phone.
Taylor: In my case, somebody pulled on my classroom door. So I didn’t know whether [the shooter] was right down the hallway, outside the door or upstairs. I could hear him, but I don’t know exactly where because everything felt so close.
Cha: After you finally were able to meet with your families after evacuating campus, what were the conversations that you were having among your friend groups?
Sanders: We were seniors, and we just started the school year. We haven’t really gotten to do all the stuff that we planned for the school year. This threw everyone through a loop because it’s like, “What do we do now?”
Cortes: We had conversations about how school was going to happen in the future. We didn’t know if it was going to go back in person next semester. Other conversations amongst my friends just included them checking up on me and seeing how I was doing about the whole incident.
Taylor: There was a senior group chat on Instagram. Everybody in the group chat were in different parts of the building, [and] we were trying to pinpoint what happened. And like Mikayla said, it was senior year, we had a lot planned. So a couple of the seniors from [CVPA] stepped up and made events. Not only were we trying to figure out what happened, but how to move forward. We saw that when we came together everybody was doing just a little bit better. We were trying to make events so that we could be together for Kuczka and Alex.
Cha: After learning the knowable facts about the shooting, how did you feel?
Taylor: I was very uneasy. Like, what did we do for that to happen to us? That was the main question. I also feel guilty because the student that died was an underclassman. The boy who shot the school up graduated when I was a freshman or sophomore. So he would have only known the seniors in the building. Why do that to an underclassman? [Alex] was only 15 years old. And Mrs. Kuczka was so sweet to everybody.
Cortes: I was also confused as to why people in both schools have to suffer because of one individual’s actions. Why did everyone have to go through fear, have to live with it after the event happened? All because someone decided to make a stupid decision.
Cha: What were your conversations with your family?
Cortes: First, we went to my grandma’s house. She was the only one who wasn’t working and was at home at the time. She said to me, “¿Estás bien? You’re not hurt or anything?” She worried about me and my cousin who also attended school — and we hadn’t seen him yet. My mom and dad had to go pick up my brother from school because his school was on lockdown because of what happened. My brother was so relieved to see me because there were also gunshots around his area.
Sanders: I was looking for my cousin in the Schnucks parking lot. I didn’t know anything about him. Eventually I found him in the parking lot, and his mom came to get us before my parents could because they were stuck in traffic trying to get to the school or to where we were. It was a lot of relief when I first found him, just making sure he was OK. When we got out of there I was ready to be somewhere where I felt comfortable and safe.
Cha: There was a lot of media coverage on TV, social media and radio during that time and the weeks that followed. Were you following the coverage?
Taylor: Personally, I just wanted to turn my phone off. I was tired of everybody texting me. To this day I haven’t responded to some of my family members that had texted me. They saw what my mama said live on Facebook, so they know I’m OK. I kind of followed [the media] to an extent, more so of my friends sending me updates on what happened.
Cortes: After a week I stopped keeping up with the news because I was tired of it. At that time I was trying to forget about it. And it wasn’t easy when we returned back to school and there was news companies [outside the campus]. Luckily we didn’t have to interact with them at all about the shooting.
Cha: Was there anything specifically from mainstream or social media that made you think, “People really don’t get it”?
Taylor: I hate that this generation is so desensitized to a lot of stuff. A lot of people were in the comments like, “Oh if I was there I would do this.” If you asked me what I would do [during a school shooting] the day before I would say, “I’mma do this, that and the third.” But in the moment I was sitting down there crying and calling my mom. You don’t know what you’re gonna do until you get in this situation. It really irritated me.
Sanders: It was tiring being on social media because a lot of the underclassmen were trying to make it just about Collegiate, but it was like, almost a back-and-forth with schools. We all went through it. Can we stop trying to make it a competition? Everybody had their own experiences and everything. Every time I open Instagram or some type of social media, it’s a new argument between students.
Cortes: I would also see students from Collegiate or from Central trying to belittle one another as to who suffered the most. In my head I’m just like, “Why can’t we both agree that we were all traumatized, scared in that moment, without belittling one another and saying that they don’t care?”
Cha: As far as support goes, were there people who really made you feel like they had your back during that time?
Taylor: My sister and my best friend. My sister wasn’t there [during the shooting], but I can talk to her about anything. I went to my best friend’s house a lot and we would just vent and say what we were going through. It hit different for us because basketball was right around the corner, and after school we would sit in the gym with Mrs. Kuczka. So it hit a little harder because we were thinking, “Who’s supposed to watch us when we get out of school?”
Cortes: Just spending time with my little brother. He and I have a close connection, so anytime I would just hang out with him, I’d forget about it. If I wanted to get out the house and not be asked questions about the event, I would go out with my friends who were also in the shooting, and we would just be there for one another because we shared the same experience.
Cha: Is there something that you would like people to know or understand about what you’ve been through this last year?
Sanders: That throughout this time it’s important to just ask somebody if they are OK. Some people might have moved past what happened and already healed in their own way. Some people might still have thoughts about that day. It’s always OK to ask, “Are you OK? Is there anything I can do?”
Taylor: Always be nice. You never know how your kindness can affect somebody’s life. Even if you’re having a bad day, don’t put it on everybody else. Because they could be having a bad day, and you’re their last straw. So, just be nice.
For more on the reflections of Raniyah Taylor, Mikayla Sanders and Axel Cortes on the year since the school shooting, listen to St. Louis on the Air on Apple Podcast, Spotify or Google Podcast, or by clicking the play button below.
“St. Louis on the Air” brings you the stories of St. Louis and the people who live, work and create in our region. The show is produced by Miya Norfleet, Emily Woodbury, Danny Wicentowski, Elaine Cha and Alex Heuer. Ulaa Kuziez is our production intern. The audio engineer is Aaron Doerr. Send questions and comments about this story to talk@stlpr.org.
