Researchers have found that instances of rudeness and incivility have been on the rise since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. Coupled with pushback against social emotional learning in Missouri’s state curriculum and tensions amid changing political landscapes, it can be hard to remain mindful and resist negative reaction.
Thankfully, learning and maintaining manners and emotional intelligence can contribute to making social and professional interactions much more civil.
Hillary Anger Elfenbein is a professor of organizational behavior at Washington University. She told St. Louis on the Air that many instances of rudeness come from fatigue. “It’s hard to read the room if you’re burned out, you’re overworked, and you’re stressed. The pandemic increased the strain that people feel at work,” Elfenbein said. “The pandemic not only [held back] a whole generation of people who would have normally developed better personal skills getting to interact [in person] but it also [affected] those of us who had grown up with those skills and made them atrophy.”
Asha Hornaday, founder of the Modern School of Manners, consults families with children and professionals on etiquette. She said having good manners boils down to consideration, respect and honesty: three simple concepts that can get complicated as social and cultural expectations change over time.
“When you are in a room, make sure you’re thinking about, ‘How am I going to put this person at ease?’” Hornaday said. “One of the biggest [challenges] I see in workplaces is … really forcing people to think about somebody outside themselves.”
Emotional intelligence and manners are set by society and culture. What is rude in one culture can be a sign of respect in others. And depending on various aspects of a person’s identity, some behaviors are accepted more than others.
Then there are those who aren’t polite on purpose.
“When you’re rude in [your] personal life, it’s usually a lack of knowledge or effort, but often at work people are rude deliberately because it is a power play,” Elfenbein said. “Sometimes people are rude because they want to see if they can get away with it.”
“There is a difference between being direct and being rude. Women typically fluff up emails more than we need to,” Hornaday said. “We’ve also gotten into a place where people don’t want to hear differing opinions … a place where people don’t want to hear different opinions, and think it is rude or disrespectful when that’s not what it is.”
For more on emotional intelligence, including whether it is better to be demure or mindful in social and professional settings, and how to be a better communicator overall, listen to St. Louis on the Air on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube; or click the play button below.
“St. Louis on the Air” brings you the stories of St. Louis and the people who live, work and create in our region. The show is produced by Ulaa Kuziez, Miya Norfleet, Emily Woodbury, Danny Wicentowski, Elaine Cha and Alex Heuer. The audio engineer is Aaron Doerr.
