Even the most heartwarming Thanksgiving meal with loved ones can come with sides of social obligation, financial strain and expectation.
“It's more than just cooking food and people showing up,” said Dr. Marva Robinson, a clinical psychologist with the St. Louis VA. “Especially for those that are hosting, there's an emotional cost [and] there's a physical cost that comes with it.”
And for some, the stress of holiday gatherings is exacerbated by the recent, contentious election season.
“This year, I finally set a boundary that if a family member isn't going to be supportive of me, then I won't be attending their events,” Ashley Weatherwax shared on Facebook. “It's been a huge stress lifted. No passive aggressive turkey this year.”
Robinson said many of her clients are saying they feel anxious about political divisiveness during holiday gatherings.
“Some people take the stance of, ‘I am doing what's best for me and my mental stability,’” she said. In those cases, she added, “There are other ways you can show up. You can still donate foods or items, call and send well wishes, send funny holiday pics. You can … help to prepare a plan [for] the next family gathering that may be a bit further away from the most recent election cycle, which may also help with mending things.”
For those who are meeting with people from different political or cultural backgrounds, Robinson encourages a writing exercise in advance of the big day.
“[Write down] your intention: What is your hope and your goal? As long as you have that crystal clear in your mind, that's your guidepost for that day,” she said. “Write it down, fold it up and put it in [your] pocket, so if [you] find [yourself] becoming flustered, [you can] take it out and read it — to recenter.”
When a conversation starts to head down a negative path, it helps for both hosts and guests to refocus the conversation to the gathering itself.
“That could be a good time to break out a family board game. I’ll have things on the wall, [like] a big poster about gratitude — everyone who visits leaves a short message about what they're thankful for, what they're grateful for. So that may be a good time to remind people, ‘Did you write your message down? Let's do that. It's time to eat. I need help making this. Let's arrange that,’” Robinson said.
“Remind people of what your initial ground rules were [by saying]: ‘My intention for this dinner is to be uneventful and joyous, and that conversation isn't contributing to that intention.’”
For more tips on handling family dynamics, including advice on getting through a holiday during a period of grieving and how to set appropriate boundaries, listen to the full interview with Dr. Marva Robinson on St. Louis on the Air via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube, or click the play button below.
“St. Louis on the Air” brings you the stories of St. Louis and the people who live, work and create in our region. The show is produced by Miya Norfleet, Emily Woodbury, Danny Wicentowski, Elaine Cha and Alex Heuer. Jada Jones is our production assistant. The audio engineer is Aaron Doerr.
